i mean i realize that no one can look at me and say *shes has trouble conceiving* and while on a normal day i can grin and say *nope* with no issues at all.. leaving the house and knowing that that the hag is slowly rearing her ugly head.. well it just wasnt the day to be asked the questions kwim?
its apparently my cycles have stretched back out again *blah* im not thrilled.. 2 years with nearly perfect 28 day cycles.. and now, now im stuck with god knows what length of cycles .. id lie if i didnt think *i cant do this anymore, i need to just give up the hope and move on with life* but at the same time i cant even tell you how just typing those words cut through my heart like a knife..
everyone says *just relax it will happen* but how do you just relax? as the months till my 36th birthday count down .. all i can think of is the time ticking away.. i tell myself im fine .. that the best thing about ttc is there is always another chance in a new cycle.. but is there ever an end to it all?
dont get me wrong... i know how blessed i am with my 3 boys.. and i know there are many people out there that arent blessed like i am.. who cant just sit on the couch and snuggle with their little one .. but the hurt i think is the same.. the longing the same.. the difference, i know .. i know i can conceive.. i know i can carry a baby to term and i know i can give birth .. ive done it 3 times.. but why why is it just so hard to see that bfp?
im just so lucky to have such a kind and caring hubby to be behind me all the way to put up with my craziness.. and to hold me when i cry..
i just wish that if there was a god he would see i dont want or need the riches in the world.. diamonds or gold.. i just want one more baby to hold and love and cherish like no other could..
