Wyatts IEP .. now considering home schooling him..

the IEP meeting did not go well and now we are considering pulling him out of school next year and home schooling him.
Wyatts IEP's started in kindergarten with speech therapy, something we knew he would need and we were more than good with that. Wyatt graduated from speech the middle of this year *way to go my man!!*
he is now in second grade and everyone noticed from kindergarten that he was having trouble in reading and writing, something i suspect was in direct connection with his not being able to pronounce a LOT of letter sounds .. i mean if you can not pronounce the sounds a D makes correctly how can you correctly sound out a word right? i mean seems simple enough for me how about you?
in first grade we started with additional reading help both in the classroom and out, his teacher (or teachers aid) would dedicate so much time per day to him in the classroom itself to help him one on one .. i want to say it was something around 30 minutes a day and at least 3 days a week (with a full classroom they did their best). he also saw a reading teacher for additional help (i want to say an hour a day) 5 days a week.. that reading teacher was awesome, always sending things home for us to work on as *homework* and most of the time it was reading books to help him out at a level he could read.
at the end of last year we started looking into getting him set up for more help in the form of having him tested for special education. so we went through their hoops (tiers) and got him all set up, by the end of 1st grade we added special education classes in the forms of reading and writing .. we had his IEP at the end of last year and i was told he would *receive* the world in help in these areas and with the special education and his progress abilities (from what he had already shown) no one expected him to have an issue,
i was told that he would receive help in reading, writing and fine motor skills.
all year long i have not heard much of anything about his progress, just a few things from his classroom teacher who during our parent teacher meetings said what a great job he was doing and how at the times of our meetings he was doing wonderful in the classroom with math etc, just the normal *reading and writing* issues (which i expect because this is why he is in special education)

even at our parent teacher conference not but 2 weeks ago (maybe 3) she informed both my husband and i how great wyatt was doing and how he would be moving on to the 3rd grade.. my husband did inquire about summer school if it would help him and she said that due to budget cuts they were not offering summer school however suggested that we work with wyatt over the summer with books at his reading grade level and what not which we thought would be a great idea. but everything math wise was great!

today was our iep meeting and my hubba stayed home to catch the bus (wyatt didnt want to stay and thats a good thing) and so i went to the meeting to talk with the *group* of teachers .. in attendance was wyatts speech teacher with a huge smile on her face as always, proud oh so proud of wyatts great accomplishment of no longer requiring speech and the leaps of improvement he has made..
his reading special education teacher .. his classroom teacher, the school principle (who probably thinks im a HUGE bitch) and missing was the special education teacher who deals with writing (maybe she forgot about the IEP?)..

they kicked the meeting off telling me that wyatt was not at grade level in anything, not reading, not writing, not math (wait.. didnt his teacher just tell me how wonderful he was doing and how he was where he should be for this time of year?) but apparently now her story changes because as she said it *he cant do flash cards like this* and she proceeded to snap her fingers.. well you know toss some flash cards in front of me and im not going to be able to do them that fast.. the last asshole who thought i should be able to do anything math wise in the snap of the finger (multiplication) was my mothers ex-husband who was an abusive alcoholic asshole!
than they proceeded to talk about his reading level.. somewhere in there the principle chim'd up and discussed *holding wyatt back* and i promptly said *no you wont be* and she said *well i have the ultimate say* and i said *well im telling you that you are NOT holding my child back* and she informed me that it was up to her and only her.. excuse me?
so i said *what are you saying that i have NO say in MY childs education?* ha wrong answer lady..
so than she proceeded to tell me that she wasnt saying that but that she has the *final* say in what happens with him..
which is when i informed her once and for all that she is NOT holding him back and that i would pull him out of public school and start home schooling before she held him back.
she than proceeded to tell me that she wanted more for my child to graduate high school with the reading level of a 3rd grader .. excuse me? my child is in 2nd grade and reading on the 1st grade level (where he would be at the beginning of 2nd grade actually) and would continue to grow not loose what he learns and would not be a 12th grader graduating reading at the 3rd grade level. she than went on to say that they would not offer him summer school because he wasnt *bad enough off* for summer school.. so you would rather hold back a child that needs a bit of help and push the ones through that need a ton of help vs spending some of my tax dollars to give my child help over the summer if he needs it? now i admit it i was against summer school in the beginning but i understand if it would give him a boost to help him along than its needed.. but to tell me that he isnt behind enough for it but hey lets just hold him back a few years until were ready to push him forward..

okay by now im PISSED and im sure everyone in the room knew it.. i think my poor mother wanted to crawl under the table..

about that time the principle decided to excuse herself (maybe because she knew we weren't getting anywhere) .. this is when things get really interesting ~

the special education teacher told me how much he was improving and it was shown on the paper from his last report card, go figure, my youngin has moved up 4 levels in reading the same 4 levels that any child his age is expected to move up.. and is now reading much higher than he was which proves that he is learning what they are teaching him and doing good..

than they went on to tell me that he doesnt pay attention in class unless your on top of him.. well you know this is weird, he dont pay attention now, this is a first. hes been in this school since kindergarten and all the sudden the child who tries his absolute hardest isnt paying attention but yet this has NEVER been brought up? weve been doing IEPs since kindergarten.. not to mention numerous parent teacher conferences since kindergarten and ive always been told what a great student he is and how great he is in class.
further more i was told that he would have to take the 3rd grade EOG's (end of grade testing) in 3rd grade.. now they offer 3 different ones, the regular 3rd grade EOG, the below grade level EOG's and the 3rd grade *reduced* EOG (which has a few added things like someone to help read the questions out loud to him and the same reading section just a bit smaller than the regular one) which the reduced EOG is what they will have him take..
so your setting him up to fail? your taking a child you KNOW doesnt read at the 3rd grade level as of yet and your going to give him a 3rd grade reading EOG?
am i the only one who dont think this makes a bit of sense?
ooh but they wont give him the lower EOG because he is to smart for it, but yet not smart enough to move on to 3rd grade.. your confusing me people!

than i had the pleasantness of being told by the special education teacher that i was to dumb to teach my child? not in so few words but still it was the same.. her wording was more along the lines of *you cant get special education help in reading and writing when your home schooling your child* and i cant teach him how to read and write because?
when i informed her i was not a stupid person she told me she wasnt calling me dumb i just wouldnt be able to get the help.. isnt that the same thing? assuming i would need her to teach my child because i couldnt do it? and further more i could easily go out and get him extra help.
i than brought up the help that a friend of mine does for a living in the neighboring county (shes a special education teacher that works with one student all year round, in all of his classes etc) and i am informed *that doesnt exist* um hello.. i know this woman personally.. and i know what she does for a living.. of course they didnt appreciate when i asked if the other county was just a better school system than our own..

i was than handed the tier paper by his classroom teacher for math.. so now they want him pushed into special education for math too?

i know what it all boils down to.. like most other schools and i never thought i would say this about WOES, its all the test scores.. they dont want him taking the tests (EOGs) until he can do it the way they want him to because if he dont their school wont look as pretty as they think it should and that pisses me off!

the saddest thing of all is my wyatt LOVES school.. he likes all of his friends and his teachers and just every part of school.. and yet they want to do this to him and i am now going to start having to decide whats best for him education wise.. keep him in a school that isnt working for him but against him.. or homeschooling him, i never thought i would be at this place in a zillion years.. ron and i have a lot of talking to do... a different school or two to look into and well just a huge decision to make. but i can tell you one thing.. they are not holding my baby back..

he is at grade level in everything except reading and his writing isnt perfect (he can be a sloppy writer) but they can offer him summer school or maybe suggest how to work with me to get him moved along easier vs holding him back.
the worst thing is, he is already almost twice the size of the kids in his class because of how tall he is.. hes just a bigger boy
and i think its bull when they say that *being held back doesnt affect them* explain that to the folks i know who have been held back and are still bothered by it.. wont affect him? oh yeah in there eyes hes just stupid, how would he know?

oh and the kicker, this is the help that wyatt is actually receiving.. not the *grand* help i was described before but instead..
1 hour per day in reading help (5 days a week) in a classroom with 3 other children...
for writing/fine motor skills .. he is given 30 minutes per day ... 7 days in a 9 week grading period.. yes just 7 days every 9 weeks.. less than one day a week for 30 minutes, i can see where his hand writing should be so greatly improved after all he is getting a total of 3 1/2 hours every 9 weeks.. are you serious?

deff a pissed off mama tonight!

random thoughts

first on my list is .. bathing suit shopping..
yes ladies its that time of year again and i am going to brave the stores to find something that resembles a bathing suit for the summer .. im not getting much encouragement or braveness from my online searching and am hoping to find something that isnt made out of the last seasons couch material that flopped in the furniture business.. but something tells me thats all i will find when searching stores. *enter scared picture here* .. wish me luck in my searches!!

mr census man..
must you keep coming to my door to ask me about the neighboring houses and who lives there or if its a full time residence, in this neighborhood there are very few year rounders .. most are vacation homes and i could have easily answered that question last week when you were here to ask about the house next door.. would you care to hear about the others in our immediate area? id be glad to tell you but must we keep going over these same questions?
and if youve already filled out your paper and yet they ask you again, does that mean they are double checking or are they simply counting you twice? *confused*
i also hope that these people are criminal background checked, sure he looked like a nice grandpa type but looks can be deceiving.. he could be some mastermind robber who is using the census as a cover up.. wonder if the census lady from before is tied up down the road in the trunk of her little white car.. haha imagination at its best!!

ttc brain ..
you are starting to drive me insane.. will you please knock it off? yes i know that im only days away from yet another hag visit but this whole *could i get a bfp* thing is about old now.. while i would love to see those 2 pretty pink lines, nothing you tell me will get me to poas just to see another bfn.. i swear you like to torture me dont you? as if you get some simple pleasure out of it..
i will hold out, i will wait.. and i will try to convince you that its just going to be the hag showing.. youve already convinced me to search my chart and study it looking for some small glimmer of hope but i cant find anything there.. i need to breath, i need to relax.. i need to keep my head on straight so the hag show isnt so bad on my heart..

a bit ticked at the wildabeast

and for good reason too..
this afternoon i walked down to mothers so that the kiddos could all get started on their fathers day gifts.. i try to do something with meaning for Ron on fathers day.. not something you can just run to the store and purchase (although a few years he has gotten them as well) but for the most part just something that he would treasure forever..
i just hope that this years vision in my head comes out the way i see it and expect it to..
anyways.. get to mothers house and do what we need to get done and than head home only to find out from ron that he was told when he got home that clyde had gotten out of the yard.. *argh* but not to worry that nicks dad brought him home for us *thanks nicks dad*
clyde is following us around the house all the time.. the times we cant take him with us to the store he will sit and look out the window and wait for us to return most of the time sitting in my spot on the couch.. where he can look out the window as he waits..
he is very much a *kid* in the house and loves to be near us at all times..
anyways.. im thinking that maybe he tried to follow us down to mothers house .. but what ticks me off is that the wildabeast noticed he was gone out of the back yard (not sure how he got out of the fence) but the tick me off part was that he didnt call me and tell me he was gone, didnt go looking for him just kinda shrugged his shoulders like *whatever* and yes that ticks me off big time!
looks like for now on im going to have to take clyde with me to mothers house just so that i know he is safe and not out trying to find me as he watches me not get into the van but just walk down the street..

now some might be wondering why im doing fathers day stuff now, after all in 30 minutes it will officially be mothers day.. but the thing is i like for the kids to make stuff for ron for fathers day and try to think of things that will make my hubba smile :) this years vision i hope turns out as good as i see it in my head.. the kids have done various things over the years.. i think my favorite so far is the one that wyatt gave ron for fathers day a few years back.
we did his foot prints and attached them to a frame which he painted (he picked out the paint colors and everything) than we framed this poem..

Footprints
"Walk a little slower, Daddy,"
said a child so small.
"I'm following in your footsteps
and I don't want to fall.

Sometimes your steps are very fast,
Sometimes they're hard to see;
So walk a little slower, Daddy,
For you are leading me.

Someday when I'm all grown up,
You're what I want to be;
Then I will have a little child
Who'll want to follow me.

And I would want to lead just right,
And know that I was true;
So, walk a little slower, Daddy,
For I must follow you."

~ Author Unknown

this year the kids are working on something very special and once they are completed (after fathers day) i will post pics of them for all to see.. lets just hope they come out as good as i hope they will.

if one person can relate

a friend is considering writing a book about her life.. and my opinion is this *if one person can relate, learn, or even just see they arent alone* in what they deal with daily behind closed doors than everything you live through as a child or adult is worth it.
everyone wishes that they lived a life with a happy childhood, loving parents, etc but that isnt the case for so many.. there are so many people who have survived hell to get to where they are and some who continue to suffer.
sometimes i wonder if folks see me as a *know it all* but that is never my intentions, i know i dont know everything although i am well rounded.. living in the home i did growing up, hiding behind a mask of a smiling face while my world was crashing around me daily, i learned a lot .. i grew up to fast and was only dependent on myself for what i needed.
growing up quickly and being a survivor of so much is something that i will always have with me.. my childhood a past i will always carry with me.. but every thing i lived threw is worth it if i can even just touch one person, if i can just allow one person to know *you arent alone* ..
its a lot to know you arent alone.. alot to know that someone *gets it* .. that someone understands..

ive never written a book, attempted a few times, been pushed and encouraged to put it all down on paper, written for my own sanity regardless if it was just for me to read or something i was willing to share.. but there are areas that i cant write about.. ive tried and when i hit certain parts just having to write about the sexual molestation stops me dead in my tracks every time.. maybe its openly admitting the family member is the one that did it.. maybe its seeing it on paper or reading it back .. but that is the brick wall i hit every time. the later non-family member molester is a bit easier to swallow and write out.. but the family member one stops me .. a hurdle that i have never been able to jump over..

for me.. just mindlessly writing about whatever is on my mind in my blog is my therapy.. my times to share my joys.. my sorrows.. my irritations.. bits by bits my life stories.. and my place to write about whats on my mind even if it makes no sense to anyone who reads it.. even written in circles it makes sense to me.

to my friend i wish you all of the luck in the world on your autobiography and getting things out there on paper .. published or not, a best seller or not.. the truth is out, its on paper and maybe that will help you move forward more, maybe you will be able to leave it on paper and be done with the past that haunts you today. your a strong person and this journey will not be an easy one im sure.. but you can do this.. with love and support you can write through the hard times, through the tears.. through the questions etc..

christianity at its finest *rolls eyes*

let me start off by saying that i am NOT a christian in any form of the word, i am agnostic with an atheist twist.. while i can not say that there isnt a god there are views that i have that follow a bit of both .. hence the twist.
now dont get me wrong i believe fully that even someone who claims to be a christian is NOT perfect, like everyone else they make mistakes.. we are humans and as humans we will react with emotions before other things during certain times.. so i dont expect a christian to be all *godly* all the time..
with that said...

a few nights ago i ran into P at the store and found out that once again him and J have split ways and that P came back to the coast for whatever reason. for the time being P is homeless, sleeping in his car and mindlessly roaming around during the day..
while i agree we dont have room for P to crash in the house of characters, we still invited him over for a place to sit and chat for a while, a warm meal and a few pots of coffee (P is a heavy coffee drinker).. we tossed his ice packs in the freezer, his medications in the fridge (hes a diabetic) etc.. P stayed at the house until after midnight last night and than went on his way.
while ron and i felt guilty that we werent able to offer him even a couch to sleep on for the night, P knows that he can stop by today and get a hot shower, a hot meal etc.. we will do whatever we can to help him out but not enough to disturb the house kwim?

P came back today and dropped off his medications and ice pack which are now in the fridge and freezer and i gladly put them there for him.. but the sad thing for me as a not religious person is knowing that the *Christians* in the house have the opinion that P dont even need to be around here.. dont stop by just keep on going your basically not welcome.

how is it that a christian can turn there backs on someone in need but an agnostic with an atheist twist wont? weve all known P for about the same amount of time..

when P and J split previously it was ron and i who opened up a place for him to sit and chat for hours on end.. it was us who argued with him and lived through accusations after the night that he tried to break the restraining order that J had against him by showing up at his house.. it was us who tried to talk to S (their son) and give him a place to reach out to aside from his family..
it was us who were told that P didnt like his kids around us (S is 22 and C is a teenager) because we arent Christians and we live a more open life with our children vs insisting they have to live in a bubble..
it was P who accused my husband of *trying to get in his wives pants* because he was quick to jump into our car that late night in order to help P and get him out of there before he did something stupid, it was my husband on that same late night who S came running to and broke down in his arms because he couldnt handle it anymore.. the emotional stuff he is going through..

but it is still us willing to put the past behind us and help P out as we can with the ability we have and to even give him a place to sit and rest for a few hours, but yet the Christians refuse?

im lost on the whole thing.. how is theit reaction a christian thing to do? i thought christians were supposed to be loving and kind? am i missing something? could they be upset over the reactions of our help before to P sure that could be it but still.. if we are willing to look past it, shouldnt they as Christians be forgiving and move on?

if this is what Christianity is than how is it a great loving religion? or are the characters in the house just claiming to be what they arent?

one proud mama!!

my wyatt read me a book last night.. seriously read it to ME! omg im so proud of him..
we got done with homework and than i noticed there were 2 library books in his book bag and he was so casual about it *mommy i can read this one* and pulled out the Dr. Seuss book.. and he read it, he actually read it to ME.. omg!!

i know to some this may seem like nothing or just something that he should have been able to do after all hes 8 years old and in the 2nd grade.. but this is HUGE for my wyatt.
wyatt has a general learning disability.. as a kindergartner he had major speech issues, he was able to tell you what he wanted and when not pronouncing words correctly he would slow his speech down until you understood.. his kindergarten teacher was amazed at his abilities to make sure you understood what he was saying and his patience with his own speech, but he had been doing it forever. he of course started with speech therapy and im proud to say that earlier this year he graduated from speech therapy and is only being corrected at home and in the classroom when we notice a mispronunciation, which of course we had been doing all along.
in 1st grade he was given reading help and writing help.. and than towards the end of the year tested for special education.. which of course he is in this year.
i know he is behind and i expect him to be behind but showing improvement (which he is) and im good with it, he is getting the help he needs and improving *smiles* leaps and bounds all of the time.

his special education is on reading, writing, fine motor skills (which i believe is part of writing) etc..

anyways, im used to the smaller books, the ones that repeat .. but never did i expect him to read me a Dr. Seuss book. im just floored with his progress!! and yes this is so HUGE for him!!

we have his IEP meeting next week so we will get a chance to meet with all of is teachers and find out the plan for next year etc..

in other news...

we got the boys pool set up at mothers house.. still wish it could have been put up here but i still cant figure out a place we would have put it, so i suppose its best where it is, its just a short walk for us to go swimming every day and plus there are other things the boys can do if they dont feel like swimming. im still planning on some trips to the sound but not as many as years before, to be honest, the neighborhood drunkards and rednecks have destroyed our swimming hole and made it a not so pleasant place to go. i had no issues before the last few years because they would sun and drink and mind their own.. but the last few years since the rednecks have graced us with their presence in our neighborhood, it has gotten far out of control.. now they use it as a party spot and park jet skis, boats etc where my children are trying to play in the water, the act as if they own it.. and its sad that so few have ruined it for the rest of us. its just not safe anymore to have my babies in the water and the drunks jumping on the jet skis a 12 pack deep.. the rednecks family and friends dumping their trash into our waters and just *shrugging* their shoulders when something is said to them about it, just sad! some weekdays are still safe but weekends have been off limits the last few years.. so many cars, so many people, so much beer and hard liquor drinking going on.. and the saddest part is.. these are mainly women who are in the 40+ age group .. maybe even 50+ age group.. one of them even a police officer.. yeah someone who knows full well not to drink and drive is not only driving but also on the water in this condition.. scary huh?
ive tried calling the cops on them and reporting them for not having town stickers, that got me no where.. folks whos homes are there have complained to have nothing come of it, heck ive even repeatedly called town hall and was simply told *there are no rules or regulations*, ive personally talked to police officers and was told basically that *they werent doing anything wrong* and nothing would be enforced..
anyways, we have our small pool set up and its actually a good decent size, nothing that anyone will be diving in any time soon but still a good size to have fun in this summer.

my bigger boys also got haircuts yesterday and look like boys again *lol*.. still havent tempted owens but im so worried that he will freak out, he seems to be getting a slight bit better with strangers but until i know he is completely comfortable enough to sit through the whole hair cut and not freak out .. he will remain my bed head boy!

i think tomorrow mother and i are going to run to jacksonville.. i need to do some looking around micheals craft store, fathers day is coming and i have to be completely ready *lol* i have a vision in my head, i just hope that it comes out the way im picture'ing it.. wish me luck on that one!!

never been daddys girl

you always hear when baby girls are born that they are *daddys girl* that was never a definition for me..
in my own opinion, the marriage was over before i was ever born.. but none the less i was here, the photos and memories of bike rides with babies on the back were long gone, left only in photographs for my sister to say *look its me on the back of the bike* but than again i dont recall many photos of me as a baby only a handful of them in existence anymore..
dad and i have always had a strained relationship, not sure if there is one point that i can pin as the reason why but it was what it was..
as a young girl i feared him, scared of setting him off in any way, i was always quiet and kept to myself when around him, always minding my P's and Q's never to hear him raise his voice.. dunno if i have a reason to be that way or if it was just me living off a fear my mother had.
sure dad had a temper and dad was an alcoholic and yes we had seen his temper flare up but was it ever a reason to be the house mouse?
they divorced when i was still quite young and while we moved on with mother, dad went on to move into a house full of guys and became the weekend dad.. while his visitation was every other weekend from friday-sunday.. dad would show up one day every other weekend, normally a saturday and that was it. he would take us to do fun things .. a trip to the zoo, a walk on some trails, out to dinner, whatever.. he tried in his own way.
it wasnt long before our conditions had gotten gravely bad living with mother, we found ourselves living in a half burnt building and us girls starving to death.. believe it or not, the burnt building was a step up from the previous place we lived, in the back of the pickup truck a place we called home for 2 days!

i couldnt even begin to tell you how dad ended up in the slot of full time parent, everything happened so quickly.. we went to stay the night at our mor-mors house after she found us and the next thing i remember was being in the back of dads VW Bus and him asking me what was wrong.. me saying *nothing* and he said *dont worry your never going back there again*
we went to the hospital and had blood drawn and found out the fate that we would have met had we not been saved at that time.. we were given a week with a common cold and we would have been dead had we not been saved. i will never understand the choices my parents made but i suppose its not for me to understand.

living with dad was more like living with a room mate, he did his thing, we did ours.. we were the ones responsible for the house hold chores and what not.. we were given an allowance which my sister would beat me for mine if i didnt just hand it over to her, this was to buy all the things we needed.. and since i was never allowed to spend my money on what i needed i was never *in style* at school in any form of the way.. i wore a lot of hand me downs etc.. even gifts from relatives were yanked away from me by her so that she could *have it all* dad wore a blind eye to it all..

years later we were reconnected with mother again and chose to live with her.. my sister didnt last long and was quickly swooped off to a psych ward of a hospital for a month stay (the longest one that dads insurance would pay for) and once her stay was over while i was left in my own personal hell, she went on to live with dad.
dad came to see me once in 8th grade.. not to save me from my hell that i called home but instead to just tell me to have mother call him.. the weekend visits were no more, he never called, never tried to see me, he was just *gone*
i saw him again a few times after my sister came back to live with us.. but not often, he would make arrangements to come get the both of us .. although i know i was only included as an obligation type deal..
when i got married i didnt feel that dad deserved any rights to know, no rights to know that i was pregnant with my first.. he didnt treat me like a daughter and i wasnt about to treat him like a father..
mother is the one that broke the news to him threw a letter that i was married and pregnant.. i wasnt thrilled but i guess she felt an obligation to tell him who knows.

when my oldest was 7 months old dad made his one trip to see us in NC, of course he stayed with my sister and her family and spent a week with him but i got to see him for one day and than a short hour visit after that.. but that was it, after all i wasnt the one he was interested in spending time with. i suppose the only reason why he came to the house was because Ron and i had decided it would be nice to have a cook out..

dad would call from time to time after that but only to locate my sister and to beg me not to let mother marry her than boyfriend..

when the phone rang on that feb. night, i would have never guessed that it was my sister to tell me dad was gone..

my father as we learned had lost his job and been unemployed for a year, he was drinking heavily and apparently passed out in an empty lot behind a junk yard.. a trail he liked to walk cut threw the area from what i understand.. the police report is sketchy with so much of it blocked out, my grandfather talked to the owner of the junk yard so we know that he had found dad and woken him up, gotten him on his feet and so he thought, on his way.. but dad just laid back down.. passed out in the snow ..
the owner came back to check on his property and that is when he found dad.. rescue was called and they tried to revive him but he was gone .. dead on arrival.. the autopsy came back he died of alcohol intoxication.

dad was just 1 month to the day past his 48th birthday.. the funeral was a blur.. i went, i had to go.. but i never expected it would be so hard, the people, friends of dads, drunks like him, telling me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.. seeing photos of me and knowing who i was..
why could he never say it himself when he was alive? why couldnt he once make me feel like i belonged?
the truth is.. life would have been easier if he would have never been around.. its better to accept that, than to be a yo-yo that wasnt wanted.

what i have left of him is a wallet, half of what was in it, and one set of keys.. this i have to pass on to my children of the grandfather none of them have ever or will ever know..