does it bug me that we cant have that relationship that you see others having? where their sisters are their best friends etc? to be honest it used to.. i always thought how great it would be to grow up into independent adults and to find some common ground even if it was simply the past that we were forced to live threw that drew us together.. and at times it was.. i cant tell you how many times i was called to her side during an emotional break down by her because of the life we once lived.
while i had always wished that you would find us now as adults getting together regularly and our children being brought up close, i would lie if i said that life was that cut and dry.. my sister and i choose to live two very different lifestyles.. i choose to live life simple, she chooses to live in a past that i refuse to allow affect my happiness in the here and now and that i absolutely refuse to take my happiness away.
i have tried many many times to make things work with her on an adult level but at much cost to myself.. just as when we were children, i would give and give and give and she would simply take all i had to give and than some.
truthfully when no one else was around, my sister became my abuser .. i couldnt tell, wouldnt tell.. couldnt show the bruises she hid on my body nor could i express to anyone how she was towards me mentally.. how i learned the best way to survive was to break myself down.. cut my own self esteem into pieces and remain quiet at all times with my head held low.. to loose all self worth and pride.
as an adult i dont have to do this.. as an adult the last straw was the same bull shit that i put up with as a child .. and i had finally decided once and for all i would no longer deal with it, im done.. put a fork in me, its over for once and for all.
i will no longer allow my life to be less than i want it to be just to appease her, i will no longer allow anyone control over my happiness.. i hold the key to my future, my happiness, my goals etc.. and i will not drag the toxic people with me to continue'ously bring me down..
i learned years ago to not allow my past, my childhood, to affect my future.. to not let it bring me down .. to grab my life that i have now and make it all that it can be.. giving up on my sister was a bit longer and harder for me to do..
i wish her well in where her life takes her and hope that some day she makes the same peace with the past that i have. but i know in my heart of heart that i cant have her in my life because she is toxic to me.. she will never change the person she is, she will never understand how she tries to control everyone and beat people down to build herself up.. and i have accepted that.. maybe someday she will understand why i had to make the choices i have when it comes to our relationship.. looking back at our life, maybe she will someday understand where she was no better to me than our abusers were to us... but im not holding my breath for that to happen.
i have no room in my life for toxic people..
