my poor neglected blog

oh how i havent been to be neglecting you so much recently.. honestly i havent .. i just get into doing stuff online and the next thing i know its to late to sit and leave a note here *lol*

the latest and greatest :)

first i would like to introduce *charlie* hes out newest family member .. no not ours but my new 4 legged brother *haha* yep mom has a puppy! hes a basset hound mix and the cutest little thing i ever did see .. *thanks again cassie* for finding the perfect name for him!
how charlie came to be ~
well you have to understand that mother has been dead set against getting a dog until she retires.. after all she worked long hours and didnt have the time to invest into a dog.. so when ron called me to tell me that this guy had one of the puppies and the original person who said he was going to come and get him didnt show .. that i should ask mother because maybe she would take him (after all he had already tried chris and chris said no due to the little legs and wondering what kind of boating dog he would be) ...
so i called mom, knowing she would just say *no* but it never hurts to ask right? to my surprise she seemed actually kind of interested, interested enough to want to look at charlie at least. well i called ron back and told him and he said *its not that kind of deal babe, its if she wants him hes coming home with me in the morning* pics followed which i forwarded to mom and explained in detail what the deal would be and the reason for it having to be that way. the jist of it, charlies brothers and sisters were heading off at 2pm the next day to a shelter type place in a neighboring town if they didnt have forever homes (this place would than place them in forever homes).. well since charlie already had a forever home (the guy who all day long avoided his phone etc) he was not included in the ones going off to the shelter type place. so this guy went and got charlie that morning and took him back to his place (where he was breaching his lease agreement of no dogs allowed) and holding him there until the guy came to get him. by this time the man had been called off and on all day long and a good part of the night (it was around 9pm that i was talking to ron about charlie) so mom saw the pics and we took a ride at 10pm to go pick charlie up.
now to give you an idea of how often mother screams *no dog until i retire* when i showed wyatt a picture of charlie and told him it was mor-mors new puppy he laughed hysterically and told me i was teasen and walked into the other room.. i think it became *true* to him when we showed up at the house with charlie.

its nice though, to see mother so happy with another puppy.. she comes to get the kids or to the house for a visit and charlie is always with her. we are slowly introducing charlie and clyde .. clyde thankfully is so gentle he will just lay down on the floor and sniff all over charlie.. once charlie gets a bit bigger than we will start walking them together and what not.

charlie is a small and tiny.. very young but growing so much in just the days he has been with mother. the pups had weened early (which is known to happen) and charlie is only 4 weeks old.. well he will be 5 weeks old on friday.

in other news..
while new furry babies enter our lives.. older ones leave ~

my sister (whom i dont speak to) has lost her boxer jo.. jo was a great dog and spent a good month sick.. longer than a month from the time i first learned of his not being well. at that time it had only been a month that he had been ill. the vets ruled out any kinds of worms or things.. so they figured it was an upper respiratory infection. they started to give him the medications to cure the infection and waited to see how he responded to them.. jo had good days and bad days.. on good days he would wag his nub and eat.. on bad days he would just lay there.. a once proud 95 pound boxer was now just skin and bones.. it was sad to see him so ill.
after 4 weeks on antibiotics they took jo in and they did blood work to see if that would tell them anything more.. the blood test came back positive for lymphoma cancer. it also showed his organs were slowly starting to shut down. jo wasnt going to make it.. the only question was *how much time he had left*
my bil brought jo home to spend some days with the family as they debated putting him down or letting him go on his own.. the vets couldnt determine pain factors and said they believed they were little to none since he was not crying out at all.. so my sister was loving on jo and they were deff spoiling him to the utmost extent.. they in the end decided that they would let him go naturally vs at the vet office as long as he showed no signs of being in pain at all.
a few days later they were at mothers house with jos body to bury him in the pet cemetery there. my sister told mom they had taken jo out to potty.. once he was done they came back in the house and jo just collapsed.. they think his heart gave out first.
i know my sister is broken hearted.. jo was her baby! so for now they are letting their hearts heal from their great loss.
RIP jo!

updates

little ron has been clamming the last few days. went again today but today was extra special because his friend tyler went with him. i sure hope tyler is having a good time. little ron loves going clamming and i think its cool that tylers mom let him go with and hopefully hes enjoying the day and earning a bit of money as well *smiles*
its hard to believe but my owen will be 2 years old in just about 2 weeks! where has the time gone? still trying to decide what to do for his birthday. if we go with a regular cake i need to figure out what would be best to have it decorated with. oh who am i kidding one look across the room and i already have the answer to that. i just need to search around to see if i can find what i need. owens obsession the thing that he loves more than anything itself isnt the latest and greatest new stuff on the market. nope its his trike. guess i will hit up the barbie section of walmart to see what they have there in the lines of trikes to see if i can make sure that his cake is really really extra special :)
and the biggest news right now...
i have a 3rd grader! its official finally after waiting forever for the report card to come in.. i emailed the school and we got wyatts last report card from last school year and he is a 3rd grader! oh im so proud of him. even a certificate for his graduating speech therapy that we will frame and hang on the wall for him. im so proud of all of the accomplishments he has made and how awesome he is doing in school. so it looks like maybe one more year of public schooling and than we will battle again at the end of the year.

as for me.. well im on cd4 and still miffed and confused about what happened last month with my cycle.. it just confuses me that why after so long of having a 28 day cycle would my body all of the sudden go almost 10 days later.. i suppose its one of them things i will never know though huh?

well.....

i started spotting today.. wasnt overly concerned.. it happens and can be very common in early pregnancy .. even though its something i have never personally ever dealt with i know this..
so as planned i went to the store and got the pregnancy tests and decided to poas as soon as i got home..
of course its a bfn.. and the hag seems to be here full force. i had to test though, i had to know.. i dunno why i had to know but i did.
i would lie if i said i was all *cool* with the whole thing.. im not.. but there is nothing that i can do about.
i cant make a baby grow in my belly that isnt there.. i cant do anything but try. somedays i want to toss my hands in the air and just scream *im done* other days i dont.. some days i am just so tired of the wishing, wanting, hoping, and even praying to a god that i dont believe in.
some days i just want the whole thing to be done.. to some how find that place in my mind that accepts that i will never again feel the wonders of pregnancy or of child birth.. that i will never hold a newborn again .. some day...
but that day hasnt come yet.. and as much as i want to toss my hands up and say *you won i give up* i just cant. so i continue on ..

there is no explanation on why my cycle was so long.. i dunno.. im lost.. confused on it and everything else.

this cycle however i will not temp.. i know when O is.. i will aim for that time and get that out of the way.. so at least my mind can be at ease and know *i tried* and than i can move on and just be done..

so thats the update.. no baby belly.. no proudly telling my hubba with a huge smile on my face that our family will be complete.. no holding that last little bundle of joy.. nope just more money down the drain on a stupid test to tell me what i should have already known.. what i should know after so many years.. not pregnant!

cd38 .. 22 dpo

why is it that being so late.. good temps and everything else.. you still end up with this overwhelming feeling of impending doom?
maybe its just the fact that you cant help but think *can this really be it* or wonder *what the hell is my body screwed up or something*
re-test days is fast approaching me and for some reason i cant help but wonder.. wonder what it will bring. i would lie if i said i felt fine today when thinking of re-test day but in fact.. in fact if you put a stick in front of me now i would probably run screaming into the other room *rofl*
truth is .. im scared.. scared of what the stick will say.
today i feel the same way as i did the day i went to re-test at the docs office to get that confirmation bfp.. stomach tied in knots thinking *what if the 3 ive already peed on are wrong??*
i have hope.. hope that i get to jump off this roller coaster of ttc.. hope that i will see the most beautiful lines when i re-test..
i cant think of anything else it could be.. i have boggled my mind over and over with it again wondering what could it be. i am to *text book* for nearly 2 years.. too.. always the same signs and always always a temp dip and always the hag as a direct response to that temp drop..
but this time.. no pits of hell for temps .. nothing.. just waiting and waiting and waiting and wondering.. could this really be it?

clycle day 36 .. 20 dpo

could this really be it? i mean the hag is a deff no show and my temps are just looking pretty as ever.. nothing huge and major but just *pretty* normally they would have dropped to the pits of hell but nope.. they are.. well quite honestly beautiful! i mean just.. beautiful!

so what am i waiting for? im waiting to re-test because well its just all about the math really *lol* sometimes i have moments where i want to run out and buy every line test in the store and other moments i realize why im waiting to re-test.. and so i will continue to wait.. chew my finger nails off.. dream but stay realistic and just *wait*

there is no other reason to have this happen.. no other reason on why i would be on cd36.. cd35 was the cycles i had when ttc owen.. i havent had them since he was born i was always 28 days with an occasional cycle of 32 days.. my longest was 33 days and that was in april of 2009 .. over a year ago.. so this, this cant be that! so i wait .. and i wait and i wait and the days are slowly drifting by.. and i just wait.

heres to baby dreams and hope.. hoping to see the most beautiful pink lines~

cd34 aka 18 dpo

and still no sign of the hag showing at all..
6 more days until test day two *smiles*
a huge part of me wants to believe this is actually it.. that maybe if that last test was a regular line one that i would have seen a glimmer of hope.. but so much of me is being realistic that even though it was a digi test that has a high number for the hcg.. it still should have been positive.. shouldnt it have been?

temps looking good.. still way above cover and just being nice and perdy.. but i will wait it out.. only a few more days.. 6 is such a small number in the context of 19 cycles of ttc this time around.. nearly 8 years of ttc between little ron and wyatt.. 6 years of ttc between wyatt and owen.. yes 6 days is a very small number!!

so wait i will.. and hope.. and dream but still maintain my realistic'ness of it all.. the possibility that the hag could be playing some horrid trick on me!

but can you imagine.. after thinking nothing but the worse when looking at that *not pregnant* digi test only to a week later seeing those pretty pink lines?? wow what an amazing end to this roller coaster of completing our family of four kiddos that would be.

one thing life has taught me.. is to always hold onto hope.. so thats what i will do.. i will hold onto the hope and never let it go!

ok..an update

well here i sit cd33.. no sign of the hag at all.. temps still looking good and above cover..
took a hpt on cd32 and it was a bfn...

however in my obsessive searching and reading (ah dont you love that part of things) it was a digi and well this is what i have figured out so much in my crazy brain ~

okay im obsessing.. i admit it...

according to a edd calculator i would be (if pregnant) 4 weeks 2 days today

with owen i was... 5 weeks 2 days pregnant with him when i got my bfp

i tested when the hag was 4 days late this time...

with owen i tested .. 3 days after she was due (i had longer cycles) and got a bfp

now according to a hcg chart thing.. the hcg levels at
# 4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
and
# 5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml

i took a clear blue easy digi test which only works if your hcg levels are.. 25 mIU

so maybe my levels werent high enough??

yes im grasping at straws..

and of course more obsessing found me finding this out...

Clearblue Easy Digital "Easy Read"

25-50* <~~ so maybe?? hopeful?? reading to much into it?? this is what the * means *Clearblue Easy Digital publishes a sensitivity level of 50 mIU/mL but some telephone reps report a sensitivity of 25 mIU/mL. soo chances are it may have been to early.. a bit obsessive yes i agree it is.. but one can always have hope right?? so until further notice.. i am not POAS until next week.. monday.. maybe tues.. maybe i just might hold out until wed.. that is of course if the hag stays away.. cycle wise this (if the hag dont show today) will be my longest cycle since april of 2009 well that is if the hag dont show tomorrow.. that one was the longest one since i had owen ~ so yeah.. limbo time for me.. wait and see.. *blah blah blah* fun fun fun

to test or not to test.. that is the question!

ok im 16dpo and the hag was due on cd29 (which would have turned that day to cd1 of course) and here i sit wondering if i should test or not. its almost driving me insane. i mean realistically the last 3 days have been later temps than normal but they are still going up.. first 2 days they stayed the same and than today it spiked up just a bit *ack* i dunno what to think.. so im debating.. do i test in the morning with FMU after i temp or do i just skip it and wait another long 24 hours and wait one more day?
the truth is i hate hate hate (did i say hate) seeing bfn's.. with a passion.. its depressing.. your hag is late and yet there is no bfp to see in sight.. so what to do what to do.. thats where i am now.
funny how you dream of having a good cycle, dream of seeing rising temps and what not when they should be dropping and than when it shows up on your chart.. you cant help but be so scared of the possibility of it just being another fluke cycle and all your going to see is a bfn.
i have one test left in the house.. a digi i was saving for when i saw those 2 pretty pink lines..but none the less it is the only one in the house for at least another week (gotta wait till payday im sure you know how it is) and yet.. i want to pee on it but i dont.. i dont want to waste it.. throw another X amount of dollars in the trash can just to see another bfn.
why does it have to be so hard to decide what to do? i guess in the morning we will see how things go.. see if we are headed to another cycle or not.. see what my temp brings me when i wake up..
the wait sucks.. the unknown sucks and the fear of poas sucks! i seriously dont get how so many can be addicted to peeing on sticks.. i dont get it.. i doubt i ever will. getting all hopeful and than *bam* reality smacks you in the face as one pink line missing its twin that your dying to see.. or looking at that digi that you want to see say *pregnant* only to see the word *not* before it.. ack!

all i can do is wait it out and see how i feel in the morning i suppose.. until than the suspense will continue to bug me and i suppose bug you now to *haha*

fun with blogger

i love playing around with different things to *personalize* my blog.. today i played with making my own signature.. cant wait to see how it look or if maybe i need to alter it a bit .. guess i will know when i post this one huh??

anyways.. im still waiting on the hag to show *argh* havent tested yet either but trying to keep my hopes to a realistic level.. just waiting it out.. no test date etched in stone either..
i thought about testing today but you know how that goes. you test, you see a bfn and you wonder why you waisted the time peeing on a stick in the first place when you knew that the chances were slim that you were preggo.. if you never knew them feelings, well this is what nearly 20 months of ttc does to your brain!

in other news.. im sending out huge *hugs* to a very dear friend who is going through an emotional journey right now .. no names mentioned.. but i hope she knows she was in my thoughts today..

looks like my cycles might be getting longer

but i dunno.. it still has my average as only a 28 day cycle however for the last 8 cycles .. 5 of them have been 29 days.. guess its just a way to look *realistically* as to why the hag didnt show today when i expected her to .. guess she will be here tomorrow *blah* waiting is so much fun *rolls eyes*
in other news..
i spent quite a few hours outside today swimming with wyatt .. we had so much fun but i tell you one thing my stomach cant handle going around and around in circles like it once could.. i finally had to find refuge in my beach chair and soak up some sun to get the dizzy im gonna puke any second feeling out of my head *haha* but the big smiles and giggles from wyatt were all worth it.
little ron wanted to bike ride tonight but that i think will happen more successfully tomorrow night..
other than that i have finally added my music player to my facebook *woohoo* so now i can rock out big time while online *haha*
i have a new favorite song .. it so rocks but yeah deff not for little ears so i wont be adding it to here thats for sure *haha* have i peaked your curiosity? if so look up *crazy bitch* by buckcherry.. but not for little ears to listen to yeah.. dont do that with the kiddos in the room or in ear shot ;)

found out about the shooting in the neighborhood on the 3rd of july.. it was a guy cleaning his gun and he shot himself in the hand and it went through his hand and hit his why.. stupid ppl.. dont they know to unload the gun before cleaning it? but at least it wasnt the *news story* we thought it might end up being huh?
now to figure out what was going on down the road on the hwy tonight.. *hmm* probably an accident involving some wackados (wackados aka tourist aka vacationers) most of them cant figure out what a turning lane is so it wouldnt surprise me *haha*

my owen can petal his bike!!

yep thats the big news for today and i am one proud mama! he cant get it going on the carpets yet but put him on tile and he is off *smiles* of course scooting across the floor using your feet is still much faster but none the less he can petal!
on our last trip to walmart i think it finally was set in stone how addicted to bikes owen is.. he literally had a temper fit when it was time to move on from the bike section and finish our shopping.. thankfully it didnt last long (the fit that is) and he was back to his curious normal self.
Little ron has been clamming quite a bit so far this summer.. earned enough money now to replace his bike.. makes me so proud that he works so hard and always has a goal in mind of what he wants to do with his earnings and sticks to his plans vs spending it on what could be seen as useless junk.
its been a bit colder here.. not cold to the point of requiring a long sleve shirt or keeping me from even wearing a tank top.. but cold enough to make the water temps in the pool drop to *just a bit to cold* to jump into.. yesterday however the water was back to warmer and after a quick cleaning.. the boys and i were back in it for some fun in the sun!
rons working long hours and all over night shifts.. poor guy is just wore slam out.. these one day a week offs are enough to kill everyone and it isnt the *hardness* of the job as much as its the heat and humidity that get to you when your out in it for 12 hours a day/night.

ttc wise.. my temp dropped a bit today.. im not overly optimistic about this cycle at all.. the journey itself is beginning to get to me. i try to keep hopeful that someday we will see that bfp again but another part of me is getting so discouraged over the whole thing.. not that i will ever give it up or see myself giving it up..

as for the new message board i found, its going great! some very sweet ladies there and im happy that i found it :)

i figured it out..

looking around at the rentals in our area will scare the average person and lets not even add if you have a pet.. looking at home prices are even scarier.. but no fear i have figured it out..
all i need is $58,000 .. yep thats it.. %58,000 will by 52 weeks of time shares (hey stop laughing im being serious here)
so okay .. you pay the initial $58,000 for the time shares and now they are yours, you own them so you can have your pets etc (woohoo)
now with the time shares you have to pay $200 per time share per year for basically HOA fees..
so with 52 weeks, thats 52 times of $200 ..
so basically for $800 per month (which is a cheap rental around here, specially one that allows pets) you get a condo which includes water, electric, cable and internet all free .. local phone possibly too (not sure about the phone but i believe it includes that) not to mention its completely furnished.. beach front and has not one but 2 pools and the outdoor pool has a water slide! you get 2 hot tubs (one indoor and one out.. maybe there is another but i dont think so) plus your own private playground equipment for the kids ..
the only down fall is, you have to move every week (unless your lucky enough to get a few back to back time shares to where you can live for a few weeks in the same unit)..
if you ask me, thats not that bad *haha*
if you want to vacation.. thats simple to, you just swap one week at your time share for the same week at another time share and walla instant vaca without having to fiddle with a hotel room and added expense *haha*

yes i know way way past my bedtime

but i couldnt help but tell about my eventful evening ~

so little ron texts me and tells me that they are having the neighborhood fireworks, we opted to head down to watch them.. this of course ends up in a huge mistake (haha) so we are chilling at the end of the road.. and than my phone rings, its ron to tell me that he was talking to someone when it went out over the pager thing that a code something or other happened on bayshore and that meant a shooting..
holly crap in our neighborhood? are you serious? so im standing on top of the picnic table and sure as crap.. police cars, fire truck, an ambulance all at the other end of the street..
so little ron calls his friend tyler to see if he is home (because it looks as if its near his house) .. than little ron jumps on his bike and heads down towards tylers house.. and sees that its across the street almost *eek* comes back by me and says that they must still be party'ing it up 2 streets over at the water!
so we decide to go see if we can find tyler .. now you have to understand that this is a pretty tight knit neighborhood.. and everyone knows everyone.. might not know your name but we know if you belong!
of course it is the weekend of the 4th and there are a ton of folks down in our lazy hazy neighborhood but none the less you still pretty much know who is who and who dont belong.
so we head that way.. find tyler (as i get lectured from wyatt on how people shouldn't litter *good boy* and i try to explain that everyone is half plastered and to please please watch out for cars)...
so little ron finds tyler and tells him what he we know so he can pass it on to his mom (since lawd knows where they were) ..
so we turn around and get out of drunk city to head back to our picnic table only to be attacked by my drunk sister as were walking past *joy*
now you have to understand that i havent spoken to her since a few summers ago when she started her crap yet again and i refuse to be apart of it. i told her husband back than what he needed to do but of course he dont listen.. so no i have her drunk and hanging on me crying saying *i miss you oh i miss you so much* and going on and on about how she has *no one since mom wont even talk to her*
ok back up.. mom wont talk to you? what about the nasty texts that you sent her because she went on vaca to colorado and you were pissed that she was going? or how about how you were pissed that she didnt hand you a key to her house? or a key to her car? how you blamed her for your heater going out on your rental house? geesh lets not even go there..
so than im stuck.. stuck with her and no way to escape.. than she tells me her jo is sick (jo is her boxer) and i have to check on jo..
sure enough he is nothing but skin and bones .. poor poor baby.. they took him to the vets and found out that he has an upper respiratory infection. if he can smell, he wont eat.. hes been on meds for 4 weeks now and just now slowly looking a bit better and getting a bit more active but still not the beast of a dog i remember.. he was over weight before and now you can see his ribs, he was easily excited .. now he was calm.. so *unlike* his normal crazy personality..
so i loved on him for a good while and reassured her that she was doing all she could to get him better.. telling her to take him back to the vet for a recheck to make sure that he is on the way to recovery.
of course by this time ive lost wyatt to the ps3.. little ron is texting his friend tyler and im trying to figure out how to get out of there.. finally i tell her i need to get the kids home and in bed and i get the boys out of there..
of course she just has to walk me home *joy* so she makes her hubba go with us.. which is good she didnt need to be walking home alone.
so we get to the house and i say good night and finally get in the house, by this time rons already called me 3 times and i call him and fill him in on whats going on.

does this change things between her and i? nope not at all.. im sorry but i dont need the drama. refuse to have drama in my life and if you weight the odds of what will happen once again.. yeah well not gonna happen.

it was nice to see my nephews.. nice to see that sean will be going to an awesome college if he gets his way (so far hes looking at Princeton and brown but seems to be leaning more towards brown).. nice to see brandon who is such a sweetie.. and i guess i need to pass the word on to mother tomorrow about jo and the kids and what not..

as for me.. im heading to bed.. its after 4am and the last thing i should be is awake!

its true i found a new message board

and the ladies there are AWESOME! im so happy to have found this site searching around the web :)
the ladies are super sweet and ive been on a posting frenzy since i joined it! its nice to find good people to chat with throughout the day, make new friends and *meet* new and interesting people *smiles*
ron had one day off this week.. yesterday.. unfortunately that means he slept though most of the day off and was up most of the night because he had to be back at it today.
little ron got his clamming license on wed. and was out there today clamming with *uncle* chris, made a decent amount of money for only a few short hours of work and is saving it up. im guessing to buy a new bike ... which means the beach cruiser will get put back together and than him and i can go for a ride together.. im so looking forward to that!
for the 4th we are heading over to the beach to watch the fireworks.. sitting in the sand and watching them over the ocean ..

woohoo

i think i may have found a new message board to join.. we shall see.. gonna give it a few days and see what happens
but yeah im happy.. i do miss the ttc'rs i was with before.. ttc is hard and support is nice to have.. guess maybe if i never left my little safety net of ttc i wouldnt have had to stand up for a friend regardless of how nicely i did it, i should have known it would only be torn apart and end in me being attacked but ah well.. such is life i suppose.. at least in the end i know i did what was right *smiles*

moving on..

im now officially 5 dpo and in the lovely 2ww.. wanting to kill my bbt but thats nothing new.. funny how fast the 2ww goes by and leaves you wondering *where did the time go and what will happen next a bfp announcement or another cycle down the drain*
ah how i wish i could announce a bfp but im not holding my breath.. funny though how much one can dream about 2 small little lines..
i often wonder if we will ever see them again or was that last bfp with owen the last one i will ever get to see..

ron finally gets a day off tomorrow *woohoo* unfortunately his only one this week *insert sad face* i know it will be spent with him sleeping most of the day and weather permitting me working more on my tan and swimming with the boys and just all around summer time fun. today we got rained out *pouts* but at least my plants got watered for free *lol*