so as planned i went to the store and got the pregnancy tests and decided to poas as soon as i got home..
of course its a bfn.. and the hag seems to be here full force. i had to test though, i had to know.. i dunno why i had to know but i did.
i would lie if i said i was all *cool* with the whole thing.. im not.. but there is nothing that i can do about.
i cant make a baby grow in my belly that isnt there.. i cant do anything but try. somedays i want to toss my hands in the air and just scream *im done* other days i dont.. some days i am just so tired of the wishing, wanting, hoping, and even praying to a god that i dont believe in.
some days i just want the whole thing to be done.. to some how find that place in my mind that accepts that i will never again feel the wonders of pregnancy or of child birth.. that i will never hold a newborn again .. some day...
but that day hasnt come yet.. and as much as i want to toss my hands up and say *you won i give up* i just cant. so i continue on ..
there is no explanation on why my cycle was so long.. i dunno.. im lost.. confused on it and everything else.
this cycle however i will not temp.. i know when O is.. i will aim for that time and get that out of the way.. so at least my mind can be at ease and know *i tried* and than i can move on and just be done..
so thats the update.. no baby belly.. no proudly telling my hubba with a huge smile on my face that our family will be complete.. no holding that last little bundle of joy.. nope just more money down the drain on a stupid test to tell me what i should have already known.. what i should know after so many years.. not pregnant!
