when your up at 6:30am

and waiting to get the next kid into the bathroom to get ready for there long day at school, there isnt much more to do than to think. and after convincing myself that it was possible that i could see a bfp i decided to poas.. of course bfn (why would i ever think i would see anything but that?) and so i sat in the dining room thinking.. and figuring things out.. just useless information..
like the fact that, out of the past just over 16 years, i was only pregnant and on bc for a total of.. just under 3 years. yep thats it. so for the past 13 years my dh and i have found ourselves ttc and ntnp.
i often wonder why is it so easy for others and why do some like us have to try to hard?
dont get me wrong im not bitter to those who can get preggo at the tip of a hat, maybe a bit jealous.. but never bitter.
when do you stop trying? when do you just toss your hands up and say *to hell with it i give*.. can you ever get to that point after spending such a long time in ttc? could i honestly see myself just saying the hell with it, nope at least no time soon.
the one good thing is now there is not one single HPT in this house and wont be again until i am well past the date the hag was due to show up..
ive never been good at seeing bfns, i guess the reminder that getting pregnant is so hard and sometimes feels impossible for us ..
yes we have 3 beautiful boys who i am ever grateful for.. but i do wonder if we will ever get the pleasure to hold and love on baby number 4, the one who is still missing from our lives.
i guess we will just for now keep taking it one day and one cycle at a time. doing what we can. what more can we do?